seing cass

mommy of two

Anna Hazel cwikowski

18 letters long this time instead of 25 for Cassandra.. a little easier right... hahah 

She's now 4 months old. I'm reading a friends blog tonight and it brings back so many emotions that I had to come back to my blog site and write again.  Thanks t for the inspiration. 

We tried for about 2.5 years for Anna and finally after many, many doctors appointments ultra sounds, diagnosis and months to years had passed, on our first try of our fertility drug we became pregnant with another baby! We were over joyed! 

Anna was born on August first. Our anniversary!  At 442 am. It seemed like such a long night! I started my first contraction in the van while driving to grab something from a friends house at 630pm, another on the way home right in front I had another one. I was with tiff at the time, she looked at me and said well I think we are in for a long night breath relax! Hahaha in my head I was denying the fact. "These are just Braxton hicks right" 

We had a bunch of people over, I look at alex and said we better get cass ready for my parents house grab the car seats and start getting everything ready! So he took her over once we knew they were getting a bit closer. 

Tiff rushes home puts her babe to bed and comes back ready to go in her pjs,  I run up to shower, go pee and there is blood and my "plug" I yell down it's a go guys! I can hear the anxiety in Alex's voice while he's talking to tiff downstairs nervous laughing. Tiff's all excited I think she would have held my hand in the shower if I needed her to! I get ready and get the bags all downstairs half packing mine as I am getting ready, the contractions starting to pick up a bit more since my shower. 

We sit outside on the deck and just talk about random stuff, tiff tries to talk during my contractions or she  is quiet and let's me deal with them.  We sent alex in to nap quickly because who knows at this point how long it will be.  12:15 comes fast.. tiff is holding my hand.. I think it's time to go she said and goes to wake alex up. 

On the drive there I'm holding on to the dash board telling alex to drive but not hit any bumps hahaha if you know Cranbrook you know that's super hard! " sorry officer I'm not drunk I'm just trying to avoid pot holes" 

We always joked about how in the movies people get to drive through red lights.. well WE GOT TO!!  I couldn't wait for the light I told him To go no cars were coming I couldn't wait! 

We PAID!! For parking and went in to the hospital the lady at the front looked at me smiled and  congratulated me got me ready and sent us upstairs! 

Contractions were about 3 min apart if that by the time I got there! 

 I saw the nurse she brought me in handed me a gown and got me ready for a check. 

Your 3-4cm! Looks like you can stay! 

Hooray.. but I want an epidural..  she looked at me and said well let's start with morphine. 

UGH morphine again..  I looked at alex and said "she's not going to give me an epidural" he agreed she seemed like everything in her was going to try to do this "naturally" like she was refusing. She said she can't give me one till I was 5-6 cm..  well that happened quite fast. I got in the shower to relieve some of the pain! It was amazing! Alex was so sweet but I started to fall asleep because of the drugs so he got me out and brought me to the bed. 

I tried to sleep but it was not easy. I had doctors checking up on me nurses in and out tests being done.. finally I felt the urge to push..  nurse came in oh your only 6-7 cm now.. okay I want my epidural... "oh sorry hunny your too late now" I wanted to cry!! This was about 1-2 in the morning at this point.

My contractions were getting so sore it felt like my hip bones were going to break.. 

I'm not going to sugar coat this.. I screamed I couldn't handle it.. being frozen was so much easier.  Every contraction I yelled please drug me.. please give me an epidural holy ef this is brutal..  finally at 3 she came in sort of woke me up and I yelled just give me something... 

you know what that something was... fentinal.. it was a horrid drug. I do not recommend this at all! I can't tell you what happened or who was in the room or what I was going through .. I can tell you the pain I was in and my only focus was to push this babe out. Finally at about 430 I needed to push bad.. it was just BAM!! All of a sudden I screamed! 

I could feel myself tearing, blood, amniotic fluid, poop? Haha the nurses said I didn't.. I still don't believe them.. thanks for making me feel good though! 

I pushed 3 times the third time was hard.. it was warm it hurt.. but then I had this beautiful baby girl on my chest!! She wasn't crying though.. she was a spitting image of cass.. I was in a dream..  is she okay!!? Please tell me she's okay! And then she looked at me and my world stopped.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't... I looked at alex he squeezed my hand.. he was crying like a baby.. and me not being able to cry was okay.. he was crying for me. 

I hear the nurses who one of them was amazing!!! Said oh someone hold the baby she can't.. kelsey? Kelsey!!? 

This drug was brutal.. I couldn't wake up.. I couldn't see.. everything was blurry.. everything was black.. everything hurt.. all I wanted was my husband and baby... 

KELSEY!!  Your going to pass the placenta I need you to push.. my body was done I didn't want to be touched anymore... it hurt.. 

alex please cut the cord..  blood squirted.. I pushed.. I screamed.. it was out.. everything looked like it was there.

After Cassandra I was scared the one thing I was scared was that I wouldn't heal again.. my placenta was still in me rotting and causing me to be sick.. but the doctor made "sure" this time nothing was going to be like it was with cass... 

after being stitched up and cleaning up the baby and weighing her everything slowed down a bit.. I don't remember much.... that huge piece is missing..