Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum.[6] These include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Sadness[6]
- Hopelessness[6]
- Low self-esteem[6]
- Guilt[6]
- A feeling of being overwhelmed
- Sleep and eating disturbances[6]
- Inability to be comforted[6]
- Exhaustion[6]
- Emptiness[6]
- Anhedonia[6]
- Social withdrawal[6]
- Low or no energy[6]
- Becoming easily frustrated[6]
- Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby[6]
- Decreased sex drive[7]
15/15 symptoms I had...
Life with a baby... That's love. True love. Love that lasts. Love you can always hold on to and know is always there. Love 24/7. Your husband or partner is love as well.. but as soon as you set eyes on that baby.... no one tells you how quickly you fall in love with him or her, and how quickly lives change. Life changes for the better, but its a very very hard adjustment.
It all started about a week after Cass was born. SIDS SIDS SIDS SIDS.. that's all that crossed my mind.. day and night.. 6 o clock I just sat there crying.. Cass was going to have to go to bed soon, what if I wake up and shes gone, so I moved her even closer to our bed, so I could hear her check on her, and make sure she was still alive, sometimes I would nudge her to wake her up, so I knew for sure she was still with us.. This got better when the health nurse came for a visit, but slowly started to get worse again.
When you have anxiety, I think it makes things a little worse, and you tend to focus on the "worse case events" I was awake but barley breathing, or so it seemed. soon it was well if I get off the couch, what if I drop her, what will happen, what if I fall down the stairs, What if I fall asleep while feeding her? what if's what if's.... they never end....they still don't will they ever?
I was always out and about, I had to be, I had to focus on life in general. When I have talked to people who were depressed, their main goal was always thinking differently, get up, get dressed, and try to make it to the front door so you can work on the next step of leaving the house.
It works.. but only for so long... how much money can you actually spend trying to cover up your depression. I needed to try to focus on different things. I didn't quite know I was depressed at the time, but I knew I was trying to "hide" and "cover" up something...
Life with Cass was great! more amazing than ever! don't get me wrong. I had all the help in the world that you can ask for, and my life is together and quite amazing. Great husband.. Well fantastic, helpful, supportive, always there type husband. He makes my life complete. Soul mates, true love.. love at first sight...list goes on. Great Mom and Dad, and in-laws as well as friends who were there. Learning new things and seeing how babies work and learn and eat and sleep and so on, those are all something to be cherished, and are very precious.
I had some complications after birth, and we didn't find out until about 5 weeks postpartum. I couldn't sit to go to the bathroom, I had to stand.. nothing helped me, and nothing my doctor suggested did either. This was caused by what we found out a couple days later...
I passed a clot, the size of about a mandarin orange. Instantly I call to Alex! Call the nurses hot line, somethings wrong with me hurry, he rushes to the bathroom, and I am looking down at this massive blood ball. They tell me I am fine and not to worry about it, and it will all go away. I am still nervous and scared, but hang up the phone and try to carry on.
Next morning, I pass another clot.... a little smaller this time, smaller meaning I didn't have to PUSH this one out. 6 week post, and I am still having large blood clots. I see this fantastic lady doctor, who immediately sends me up to the hospital. I call my mom shaking, telling her what was going on. I still have Cass with me, and I went up to the hospital just me and her.
I get to the hospital and get an internal ultrasound done. Now for you all who haven't had a baby or had a c-section.... the pain was unreal...now they are not. I cried.. I tried not too, but later we found out why I was in so much pain.
I had left over placenta left in me... about 5 inches long and 10 cm thick(4").. that's quite large if you look at a ruler. Now it wouldn't have been that bad, but I was 6 weeks post. I was technically "rotting" inside.
I was infected and in a lot of pain. I could choose to have a DNC or go home AGAIN.. and try to pass it on my own. I chose the DNC. Unfortunately I had to go back the next morning for that. In the mean time, they gave me a pill to "abort" my left over placenta. Not a great feeling to have to go through. Also had to take a pill to stop the bleeding. These mixed, make you feel sick and have contractions
Didn't work. So I was suited up and getting ready to go into get my DNC. only 6 hours later.. and I still wasn't in. I went from pumping about 6 ounces every 2-3 hours down to 2 ounces, because I wasn't allowed to drink or eat. I was starting to get low on my milk at my parents house. so I packed up and had to leave the hospital, after the doc came in and told me it wasn't going to be until 8 that night. I HAD to go home for Cass, and my mom and dad
I had to go back again the next morning. I think it was a 5 day process, but that was almost 11 months ago now. I healed and eventually passed the clot approx 5-6 days later. I had a lot of check ups and doctors appointments and internal ultra sounds after that..... 16 weeks postpartum it was all "healed" finally. I bled for 15 of those weeks, and I had one more week to heal after that. it was 2 different birth controls and bleeding pills that helped stop. It took me 5 months to slowly get my milk back. Some days were better, lactation cookies, lactation pills, and a friends milk to help me I am so thankful she had enough milk to supply an army with. and so on... but you can only force your milk for so long. That was another struggle, and a very hard struggle to handle. I had to then start weening Cass off of breastfeeding and start formula. what kind? how much? how long can I keep it in a bottle for? Was it going to hurt to stop breastfeeding (YES) soooo many new questions and so much more to learn.
Things seemed to get a little better as it went along, but there was still my emotions I was dealing with, and those took a toll on me. Still crying, and sleeping just as much as Cass was. Couldn't wake up, didn't want to do anything, didn't want to get dressed have a shower or eat. It didn't take long for that the spiral even more. We were doing our Christmas pictures, and I was crying, Alex looked at me and said, "I think it's time you go see a doctor".. I cried even harder...
The reality was true, he was tired of coming home and trying to judge what kind of mood I was in.
So I went... It was a long and hard and emotional doctors visit.
I was put on Cipralex, only for it to take another 8 weeks to kick in! 8 weeks.. was sooooo long.... 8 weeks of trying to remember to take this darn pill.. 8 weeks till I was always smiling and laughing and in a better place. To this day.. 12 months later and it's still a struggle, but not nearly as bad. I have my ups and downs.. just like everyone, but life is brighter and life with my family is good. A baby with so much energy and who walked at 10 months helped in this situation. She keeps me busy and on my feet day and night. Always trying to make other people happy and forgetting about yourself is a huge effect. Once you can figure out how to balance it all it helps.. and things improve.
As for mine and Alex relationship, some days seemed a little rough, but that was expected. When you are focusing on a little baby and learning everything for the first time, you almost forget about everything else including yourself.
I think every couple has their struggles and moments, but it definitely makes you stronger together.
The feeling of being "depressed" and knowing that you were taking pills to help it, was a hard pill to swallow to say the least.
How is this little tiny pill supposed to help me. How is this going to make me man up and be a happier person. How is this tiny pill going to solve my thoughts in my head....How is this pill supposed to solve my problems..well.. it does help. it doesn't solve problems though, that is you. All you. I am not a pill taker, nor do I like the thought of them. They helped me though. I can say today that I am happy, and thankful. I have been through a lot after having Cassandra. I wouldn't take back a day because that would be one less day with her. She has taught me so much.. who knew that a baby could teach you.. they don't just teach you.. they rule you.
This is my angel today. She is 12.5 months and an amazing little girl.
She is the center of our life. She started crawling at 8 months, and walking at 10.. It was a very fast transition. She can say Momma and Dadda, Bubba, Uppa, Nana and a whole lot of sounds. Shes very vocal.
She has helped me learn so much about myself and so much life has to offer.
for this I am thankful.
I am thankful for a lot.
She will be the joyful background music of every day we breathe. Every triumph or failure, from the tiny to the colossal, will mark our heart indelibly. Salty tears will well up at the sweetest moments. She will sit up on our shoulders and try to reach a star, and crumple at our feet with her first broken heart
Every day is a day to marvel at the blessings we have been given. She will be the force that moves us now and forever to be the best parents we can be. In her eyes we will see the reflection of the parents we are, and only her judgement will have meaning. She is now the light that illuminates our world.
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